


So Close

by cheshie213 (slyth_princess)



Category: The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner
Genre: Angst, Canon Death, M/M, Sad, Sorry Not Sorry, The Death Cure Spoilers, The Scorch Trials Spoilers, ho happy ending, i broke my own heart writing this, newtmas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 04:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4333641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slyth_princess/pseuds/cheshie213
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They made it. They are in paradise. Here there are no more cranks, no more flare, no grievers. Just those that survived trying to find a way to rebuild and move on. But Thomas knows that, no matter how far they have come and how many good things life gives him now, this place will never be paradise. How can it be without Newt?</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Close

**Author's Note:**

> Ugh. I don't know why I did this to myself or to all of you. I'm sorry. But I'm also not sorry. If I break your heart just a little, I apologize. This was just in my head and wouldn't leave. So here you go, a little soul shattering one shot dedicated to any of those people who are as masochistic as I apparently am. Good luck.
> 
> Also this is beta'd so sorry about any grammar or spelling issues. I kind of suck at self editing.

You were the first friend I remember having, do you know that, Newt? The first person I ever trusted. I remember my first day in the glade stronger than any memory since. I've spent the entirety of the life I can actually remember dealing with Griever's, wicked, cranks, and every other shucking thing that was trying to kill me. I've been betrayed by people that I thought were there for me, used for my brain, and watched people around me die and get maimed. I haven't been able to trust anything that's happened since the day the box spit me into this new existence. Anything or anyone but you.

Is it really that much of a surprise that, in the chaos of a life I couldn't understand and people I couldn't believe in, I fell in love with you?

I guess it's a little messed up. With everything going on around me, all the death and violence and sickness, love should have been the last thing on my mind. And for a long time, it was. But almost dying can have a hell of an impact on a guy, you know? When I got shot in that alley, my eyes focused on you. I was dying, really dying. Suddenly nothing mattered as much as making sure you knew, but all I could get out was "he shot me."

You saved my life that day. There's no doubt in my mind that if you hadn't been there I would have bled out. I owe why I'm alive today to you. If I hadn't already been in love with you, I would have been then. Everything was sort of a blur after that for a while. Getting super sick, being back in the desert, being taken by wicked, all of it. I only have spotty memories of it all, even now. What I do remember, though, was someone holding my hand. I remember thinking at the time that it was Brenda, but the more I think about it now the more I realize it was you. I vaguely remember seeing Brenda walking with Minho, and yet my hand was still held, steady and consistent. The hand was rough and strong, holding on as if it would keep me alive. Part of me thinks it did.

When I came back was the first time you held me. You wrapped me up in your arms and all the chaos and sound melted away. I could feel you crying, even as you called me a stupid shuck face. It didn't matter, because I was your stupid shuck face. That was when you kissed me for the first time, and my entire world tilted on its axis. That was the day that everything changed.

Thank god for Minho. I know a lot of people were freaked out by it. By you and me. Minho, on the other hand, was perfect. There's a reason he's the leader. People like him, they respect him. So when he told everyone to slim it and let us be, they actually started to listen. He told me once, months later, that he had seen it coming. I think that’s a bunch of klunk, but maybe he did. But having you changed everything. All of a sudden things were a bit brighter, at least through my eyes. And it was all because of you.

Paradise suddenly didn't feel impossible to me. I didn't know where it was or how we would find it, but if in the chaos of the scorch and the glade, we still found each other, somehow the idea that the paradise we were searching for could actually exist didn't seem out of reach. In the end, I could make anywhere paradise if I was with you. When I was with you, I could actually feel alive.

I realize now these were just the romantic daydreams of a lovesick teenager.

I should have known something was wrong. You were starting to act different. More detached. Angrier. One of the things I fell in love with first about you was your heart. You cared about everyone, you really were the glue that held us all together. If anyone should have noticed you were changing, it should have been me.

Do you want to know the second memory of mine that sticks out the most? The day I found out you weren't immune. I've never felt anything like that before. It felt like I was drowning in mid air. I doubled over in pain. Newt, my Newt, was sick. Was dying. Was going to turn into one of those shucking cranks that wanted my nose. It couldn't be true. It couldn't be real. The happy ending I saw was just within reach. I really thought... I was almost able to believe...

But no. I had to let those romantic dreams die. There was no happy ending for us, was there? There was never going to be. Part of me tells me you knew that, that's why you were so calm. I think you always knew we weren't going to go to paradise together. That almost makes it harder. When you pressed that letter into my hand, I should have know what you wanted me to do. You said I would know when to read it, but I didn't. I didn't shucking know and I’m sorry. I'm just a stupid shank, and you shouldn't have trusted me with it.

"Kill me. If you ever loved me, kill me."

The worst part was losing you twice. Leaving you in the crank palace was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The look in your eyes when you saw me was nothing but rage. Where before there was love and warmth and compassion, now I saw bring but anger and pain. You were so far from the boy I fell in love with, yet part of him was still there. I tried to convince myself you didn't mean it when you said you hated me, but I couldn't get your voice out of my head.

"I hate you. I always hated you."

Minho told me it was just the flare. He assured me you didn't mean it and everyone could see that you loved me. It didn't matter though. That look in your eyes...

In that moment I couldn't believe that the love had ever been real. I couldn't believe I had been stupid enough to believe all that klunk about going to paradise and getting my happily ever after. You were gone. Never wanted to see me again. I had to move on.

That's what made it so much worse seeing you again. I thought you were gone. Part of me had an easier time just believing you had died. It was easier than any of the alternatives. When I read your letter, I hated myself. You asked for mercy. You didn't want to become one of those shucking cranks. I didn't know, Newt. How could you expect me to know when the right time was? I'm still angry at you for you thinking I had any chance. I'm just a good for nothing shank. How could you put that much faith in me? You know me! You know I'm not good enough for that.

I guess it's for the best you were on that highway. When I think about what could have happened to you, it makes me sick. You deserved mercy. You deserved to go out with dignity. I hope to feel you got at least that much. I've been doing everything in my head to put that image out of my mind. But I couldn't refuse, could I? When your eyes cleared, the Newt I loved was back. You looked at me like you loved me again. Just like those nights in the glade. Just like those nights in the scorch. It was all real for you, and I saw it then.

That's why you gave the note to me. You trusted me because you loved me. How could I turn you down.

"Please, Tommy, please."

You know, if anyone else had tried to call me that I would have punched them in their shuck face. I should have known you were going to be different because when you said it I didn't mind. Hearing your voice say my name like that made my heart skip. You would think I would have known then. When you said it that day- I just can't think about it.

No one else knows what I did. No one else knows about the blood on my hands. How could I tell anyone, especially Minho? I killed you. I actually killed you. I killed the love of my life. I know you wouldn't want me to still be mourning you. You would call me a stupid slinthead if you knew. 

I think about you every single night. I think about how much you would have loved it here. I wonder if you would have liked the ocean here? I know you would have loved the wild flowers, which Minho would have never let you forget. I think we would have had a lot of fun hiking the mountain trails that wind throughout the area. Limp or not, you had a sense of adventure that just never stopped. You loved the world around you. I can see you dragging me into the waves in the middle of the night to make love. What's the point of paradise if you aren't in it?

How am I going to face this? Each day I wake up alone and, just for a second, I can believe that you are just out with Minho seeing him off into the maze or catching up with frypan making sure we get the best bacon. Then, all of a sudden, it all comes crashing back down. You're gone. You're dead. And I killed you.

So I have to say goodbye. I haven't done it, but I feel like it might help. Maybe if I accept it, if I let myself mourn you, maybe I can find a way to move on. Maybe I can find some way to live the rest of my life without you.

There's only one problem. Being here helps me to realize something. All I want is you. I would give anything to hold you again. It's all I want. We almost had our happy ending, it could have been ours. Why did you have to have the virus? Why did you have to be sick?

I hope you can forgive me for not being able to let you go. You really are my only one. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it to you more when you were with me. I love you Newt. I've known it since I saw you the day I came out of the box, if I'm honest with myself. It was always you and it will always be you.

How can I move on when we got so close?


End file.
